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Letter to the Dying
Dear Maddy,
My step-grandmother is dying of cancer. She is receiving hospice care in her home and we have been told her time left is short. I have known her since I was 9 (I'm 37 now) and even though we were not very close she has been a positive influence in my life. I want to send her a letter telling her all the things I love about her and to thank her for being the beautiful person she is. She is aware of her condition and has discussed it with her daughters openly. I don't want to offend her or anyone else by sending the letter. Would it be in bad taste to send it to her? Can you please advise me on how to write it? Would it be okay to place it folded inside of a gretting card?
Signed, Letter to the Dying
Dear Letter to the Dying,
I suggest following your heart and taking into consideration the golden rule. It's beautiful that you'd like to express to her the positive influence she's had on your life. Not knowing the details of your relationship with the daughters you may want to discuss your feelings with them or consider a phone call, a personal visit, or perhaps sending your letter federal express marked Personal & Confidential to her. Either way, it sounds like you've given this a lot of thought and that you know what you want to say, how you want to say it, and how you would like it to be received. Trust the value of your relationship and offer your sentiments through heart-centered communication. Inside a tasteful greeting card is fine.
To Life, Maddy
For more helpful suggestions on grief etiquette, you may want to purchase "GRIEF WELLNESS: The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Loss" and "GRIEF TRIBUTES: The Definitive Guide to Life Celebrations" at http://www.thetributenetwork.com/tributestore.php
Contemplating Pre-Need
Dear Maddy,
My wife and I are thinking about buying pre-need funerals and burial plots because of the savings involved. The problem is we don't know if we'll stay in our hometown. Our children have all moved to other parts of the country. And we might decide to retire to a warmer climate. What should we do?
Signed, Contemplating Pre-Need
Dear Contemplating Pre-Need,
The good news on pre-needs is that policy transfers from one state to another state are becoming more accessible. Be sure to check with your funeral home, insurance agent, and/or your state's funeral directors association for assurance and any loopholes as the laws are state-specific. Pre-Need can be a great way to lock in prices now for services, caskets, and burial plots... just make sure that your policy allows for changes you may or may not anticipate.
To Life, Maddy Banks
The Depression Zone
Dear Maddy,QUESTION: What happens when grief becomes unbearable and overwhelming? How do you survive loss when loss itself becomes your own demise?
Signed, The Depression Zone
Dear Depression Zone,
ANSWER: Sometimes we forget what gives us joy. It takes faith to remember that depression is like the ocean. Eventually the tide recedes and the shore returns... But sometimes, while we wait, it may just help to indulge ourselves in a little shopping and a night of comedy.
To Life, Maddy
Frozen at Death's Door
Dear Maddy,QUESTION: My father is dying. Neither he nor I know what to say. Imminent grief hangs like a sharp barrier reef between us. How do I tear it down? What on earth do I do?
Signed, Frozen at Death's Door
Dear Frozen at Death's Door,
ANSWER: Fear of the unknown creates the barrier between you and your dad. Become familiar with the unfamiliar and the fear will disappear. Talk to him with love on every word. Keep him comfortable. Tell him you love him. Again and again. Indulge to-gether in simple pleasures like watching a Star Trek movie marathon to remind yourselves that the next frontier is still life, just not life as we know it.
To All Forms of Life, Maddy
Front Row Only
Dear Maddy:
My husband and I paid a lot of money for a burial plot to be next to Al Jolson. Thirty years later, and we're getting a divorce. So... who gets the plot?
Signed, Front Row Only
Dear Front Row Only,
This is something you to discuss with your divorce attorney. Or if possible, have a heart to heart discussion with your husband about it so you can come to amicable terms and both of you can rest in peace wherever you land. Determine how important it is for you to be near Al, after all, you may meet someone else and it may become more important for you to be near that partner.
To Life, Maddy
Bird Blues
Dear Maddy,
My seven year old daughter's yellow parakeet named Pocket died. My daughter is distraught. What can I do to help heal her grief?
Signed, Bird Blues
Dear Bird Blues,
Create an end of life celebration ritual for Pocket. Discuss the details of the ceremony and burial with your daughter. Whether it's a private ceremony or one for the family, be sure to include your daughter in all the conversations. Brainstorm together on what the two of you can do to celebrate Pocket's life. Perhaps you can play some recordings of parakeets or invite family members to share their memories and stories about Pocket. You could help your daughter write a eulogy or poem in memory of Pocket, or take a trip to the place where she first met Pocket. Talk about the joy that Pocket brought to your daughter and take the time to honor those gifts.
Yours, Maddy Banks
Deadly & Delicious
Dear Maddy,
If I make a set of ceramic dishes out of my loved one, is it inappropriate to have a date over for dinner and use the dishes?
Signed, Deadly & Delicious
Dear Deadly & Delicious,
Ethically and morally, you would be compelled to tell your date that you are dining on dishes made out of your dead significant other - in which case he or she would either vomit and run for the hills, or think you are insane. However, if you are in a place to move on, I suggest you invest in new beginnings and buy some new dishes. You can always turn your plated significant other into a wall hanging or put them to use on the anniversary of his or her death by dining in together.
To Life, Maddy Banks
Up in the Air
Dear Maddy,
I'm a funeral director in FL. I recently took care of a family where siblings complained about a sister who insisted on reading a eulogy she'd written for their father. None of the siblings knew about it until moments before the service. The siblings were concerned about time and how their sister would depict their father and family members.
The daughter spoke for thirty minutes leaving no time for other siblings to speak. I would have liked to have given them more time but I had another service following. I was up in the air on what to do or how to handle this awkward situation. What should I have done and how can I avoid this in the future?
Signed, Up in the Air
Dear Up in the Air:
In the future, inform all family members or the family rep that there is a time limit and what that time limit is. Also, ask all eulogizers to kindly vet their eulogies with family members ahead of time to relinquish fears that siblings and guests may misrepresent others or become self-serving.
Yours, Maddy Banks
Jazzy Wife
Dear Maddy,
My 87 year old husband loves jazz. He is a member of the local Jazz Society and often shows up at events with a suitcase of music. He does this so often that many hosts simply wait for his arrival rather than hire a local band or DJ. My husband is now in hospice with little time left on this earth, and I find myself preparing for his funeral. I want to play his favorite songs on loudspeakers at the service, including Duke Ellington as his casket is rolled down the aisle, but I'm afraid our local funeral director who believes that anything but church music is undignified will object or that I may offend people. What shall I do? And what else can I do to honor him?
Signed, Jazzy Wife
Dear Jazzy Wife,
By all means celebrate the life of your beloved husband. I can't imagine any funeral director objecting to your wishes. Remember, funeral directors, on the whole, are some of the most compassionate people you will ever meet. Their job is to help you with the final arrangements. And, as with anything in life, don't let others dictate your wishes. I'm sure they will go out of their way to accommodate you. Arrange a time to meet, perhaps at the hospice, and clearly explain your wishes. As for other ways to honor your husband, you could hire a videographer to videotape him talking about his passion for jazz and sharing some parting words which you could play at the funeral as well. Perhaps you could pass out his favorite CDs with his name on them as remembrance gifts. You may want to also have a trumpet or saxophone player present to perform his favorite tunes. Or you could have the local Jazz Society play some tunes. Any or all of these options should create a wonderful and memorable service in honor of your husband. If your husband is well enough, you might consider having a "living funeral" so he can fully appreciate the moment.
To Life, Maddy Banks
Seating for Equality
Dear Maddy:
I want to arrange the seating at my father's funeral so everyone feels comfortable. My relatives are very sensitive as to their placement. How do I make everyone feel equally important?
Signed, Seating for Equality
Dear Seating for Equality,
Create "seating in the round." This way you do away with any sense of hierarchy. Just make sure those who are speaking about your father remember to turn around and face everyone. Your local funeral director should be able to accommodate you.
To Life, Maddy
Dear Maddy
Grief Etiquette to the Rescue!A column on what to do and what not to do about... grief.
by Maddy Banks, The Funeral Planner, CEO of Lights Out Enterprises &
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