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• Dear Maddy

  Tag >> Etiquette

  Dec 05

  Letter to the Dying

  Etiquette, Coping

  Dear Maddy,

  My step-grandmother is dying of cancer. She is receiving hospice care in her home and we have been told her time left is short. I have known her since I was 9 (I'm 37 now) and even though we were not very close she has been a positive influence in my life. I want to send her a letter telling her all the things I love about her and to thank her for being the beautiful person she is. She is aware of her condition and has discussed it with her daughters openly. I don't want to offend her or anyone else by sending the letter. Would it be in bad taste to send it to her? Can you please advise me on how to write it? Would it be okay to place it folded inside of a gretting card?

  Signed, Letter to the Dying

  Dear Letter to the Dying,

  I suggest following your heart and taking into consideration the golden rule. It's beautiful that you'd like to express to her the positive influence she's had on your life. Not knowing the details of your relationship with the daughters you may want to discuss your feelings with them or consider a phone call, a personal visit, or perhaps sending your letter federal express marked Personal & Confidential to her. Either way, it sounds like you've given this a lot of thought and that you know what you want to say, how you want to say it, and how you would like it to be received. Trust the value of your relationship and offer your sentiments through heart-centered communication. Inside a tasteful greeting card is fine.

  To Life, Maddy

  For more helpful suggestions on grief etiquette, you may want to purchase "GRIEF WELLNESS: The Definitive Guide to Dealing with Loss" and "GRIEF TRIBUTES: The Definitive Guide to Life Celebrations" at http://www.thetributenetwork.com/books.php

   

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  Sep 25

  Front Row Only

  Funeral Planning, Etiquette

  Dear Maddy:

  My husband and I paid a lot of money for a burial plot to be next to Al Jolson. Thirty years later, and we're getting a divorce. So... who gets the plot?

  Signed, Front Row Only

   

  Dear Front Row Only,

  This is something you to discuss with your divorce attorney. Or if possible, have a heart to heart discussion with your husband about it so you can come to amicable terms and both of you can rest in peace wherever you land. Determine how important it is for you to be near Al, after all, you may meet someone else and it may become more important for you to be near that partner.

   

  To Life, Maddy

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  Sep 23

  Deadly & Delicious

  Etiquette

  Dear Maddy,

  If I make a set of ceramic dishes out of my loved one, is it inappropriate to have a date over for dinner and use the dishes?

  Signed, Deadly & Delicious

   

  Dear Deadly & Delicious,

  Ethically and morally, you would be compelled to tell your date that you are dining on dishes made out of your dead significant other - in which case he or she would either vomit and run for the hills, or think you are insane. However, if you are in a place to move on, I suggest you invest in new beginnings and buy some new dishes. You can always turn your plated significant other into a wall hanging or put them to use on the anniversary of his or her death by dining in together.

   

  To Life, Maddy Banks

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  Sep 19

  Jazzy Wife

  Funeral Planning, Etiquette

  Dear Maddy,

  My 87 year old husband loves jazz. He is a member of the local Jazz Society and often shows up at events with a suitcase of music. He does this so often that many hosts simply wait for his arrival rather than hire a local band or DJ. My husband is now in hospice with little time left on this earth, and I find myself preparing for his funeral. I want to play his favorite songs on loudspeakers at the service, including Duke Ellington as his casket is rolled down the aisle, but I'm afraid our local funeral director who believes that anything but church music is undignified will object or that I may offend people. What shall I do? And what else can I do to honor him?

  Signed, Jazzy Wife

   

  Dear Jazzy Wife,

  By all means celebrate the life of your beloved husband. I can't imagine any funeral director objecting to your wishes. Remember, funeral directors, on the whole, are some of the most compassionate people you will ever meet. Their job is to help you with the final arrangements. And, as with anything in life, don't let others dictate your wishes. I'm sure they will go out of their way to accommodate you. Arrange a time to meet, perhaps at the hospice, and clearly explain your wishes. As for other ways to honor your husband, you could hire a videographer to videotape him talking about his passion for jazz and sharing some parting words which you could play at the funeral as well. Perhaps you could pass out his favorite CDs with his name on them as remembrance gifts. You may want to also have a trumpet or saxophone player present to perform his favorite tunes. Or you could have the local Jazz Society play some tunes. Any or all of these options should create a wonderful and memorable service in honor of your husband. If your husband is well enough, you might consider having a "living funeral" so he can fully appreciate the moment.

   

  To Life, Maddy Banks

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  Sep 18

  Seating for Equality

  Funeral Planning, Etiquette

  Dear Maddy:

  I want to arrange the seating at my father's funeral so everyone feels comfortable. My relatives are very sensitive as to their placement. How do I make everyone feel equally important?

  Signed, Seating for Equality

   

  Dear Seating for Equality,

  Create "seating in the round." This way you do away with any sense of hierarchy. Just make sure those who are speaking about your father remember to turn around and face everyone. Your local funeral director should be able to accommodate you.

   

  To Life, Maddy

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